Summer Time Blues

How The Movies Of Summer Ruined Everything

By Geoffrey Robert Reed

As a lot of you might have noticed, here in Seattle the summertime weather has apparently decided to shun us and not show up at all!  This is what Traci Allison my high school prom date did to me, so I’m pretty use to it.  (Actually, she did show up that night, with her real prom date Rick Morrison. They raided my dad’s liquor cabinet, and then Rick gave me a swirly in my own toilet.  I did not get the rental deposit on my tux back)  But don’t worry Seattle! This gloomy weather will pass, and soon you will be basking in the 62 degree, mildly sunny weather that is the Seattle Summer!

Until then, here are some of my top picks of summer movies, and a few things that happened to me while I tried viewing them!

Summer School:  (1987) – Mark Harmon is a  gym teacher who teaches a rag-tag group of misfit during the summer months in this 80’s comedy from the always reliable Carl Reiner. We have this in stock a Moviecycle! This film makes summer school look like a lot of fun, but believe me it is not.  I was a straight A student in junior high, but during my last week of English class, my arch enemy & bully Ryan Carter switched my final paper  “Mark Twain: American Hero“  with a paper he wrote called  “F**K You Miss Jenkins!”  Miss Jenkins was our teacher.   I failed her class, and had to go to summer school for 2 months. This meant not only did I miss out on computer camp, but I had to attend summer school class with Ryan every day and endure endless after class beatings.  Also, he stole my shoes three times that summer.

Caddyshack II: (1988)- This amazingly funny movie (which we currently have in stock here at Moviecycle)  which actually manages to be even funnier that the original, was a box-office smash when it came out. Not only did it breathe  new life into the  golf-comedy, (or Golfedy as it is now known)  it made Jackie Mason a star who had crossed generations as American’s new sex symbol.   This film doesn’t have much to do with summer, but it  does have a great water-park scene.  A mishap on a water slide may seem like comedy gold when it happens in the movies, but believe me, when it happens in real life; nope.   For my 16th birthday my uncle Clair bought me a free summer pass to  Wild Waves.  Man was I excited.  I was in line for my first ride on a slide they called  Admiral Rampage when a girl in front of me said I could go ahead of  her!  I thanked her, and jumped into the tube.  Moments before I headed down, I felt two hands at the legs of my bathing suit. Yup. She pantsed  me.   I spent the next 4 hours waiting for my mom to pick me up naked, runnning around the park looking for cover & screaming “Help me! Someone Help me! while crying uncontrollably.  It was then that  I earned the nick-name “Tic-Tac”

American Pie 2 : (2002)- Those wacky teens in their mid to late 20’s are back! This time the “gang” heads  out for some fun in the sand & sun and a bunch of  stuff happens that should surprise no one!  They also rent a summer cabin, which reminds me of a little story.  Summer, 1992.  Last day of school. I am cleaning out my locker, and underneath my Crash Test Dummies c.d. I find a note inviting me to share a summer cabin with a bunch of dudes from the basketball team & Heather Davidsondearinton.  One of the cutest girls in school!  I  had my “weekend step-dad”  drive me out to the beach the next day. The house was a beautiful summer cabin.  As my stepdad drove off, I knocked on the door, my duffle bag & Snoopy Sno-Cone macine at my feet.   The Door swung open… Yup.  It was Ryan Carter.   He pulled out a water gun and shot a thick stream of hot sauce directly into my eyes. As I was doubled over in agony, he pulled me up and handed me a mop and bucket.  That summer I was held captive as the in-house janitor.  Cleaning up after each party was a nice break from being tied up in the basement every day and night.  Oh….and the Snoopy Sno-Cone machine was broken, but not before I was fed a Lemon Sno-cone.  (It was really pee, not lemon) We have this movie in stock at Moviecycle as well.

Well. Have a good summer everyone.  Don’t forget to drop by Moviecycle to pick up some of your favorite Summertime flicks!

I found an old German/English translation book behind a dumpster at this bar on Capitol hill a few weeks ago. I decided to translate my “horrible film outing” story into a new language. Please cut and paste this into google translate if you cannot understand German.

Es scheint, habe ich immer eingereicht immer weh, wenn man zu einem Film zu sehen. Das ist was mir passiert ist letzte Woche. Bitte genießen Sie diese deutsche Ausgabe.

Der Avatar; (2009) war ich sehr glücklich zu sein Sehen des Films! Es wurde in 3-D, die ich genossen, als sie sahen Jaws 3-D gezeigt. Damals zeigen ein junges Mädchen sperrte mich aus dem Theater nackt, aber es war trotzdem lustig zu sehen. Ich wollte ins Theater, wenn die Kassiererin mir mitgeteilt, sie waren zu Fuß aus dem neuen 3-D-Brille.

Ich wählte den Film ohne Brille zu sehen. Dies würde sich als eine schlechte Wahl sein. Ich ging ins Kino mit meiner Moutian Dew und ein großes Feld von Twizzlers. Bevor ich sitzen konnte unten hörte ich eine Stimme rufen: “Sieht aus wie dickweed seine Brille vergessen. Es war mein Bully Ryan  Carter. Bevor ich ein Wort sagen konnte er ein paar alte 3-D-Brille aufgesetzt aus den 1980er Jahren auf meinem Gesicht. Ich habe versucht, sie ausziehen nur zu finden, sie waren super zu mir ins Gesicht geklebt. Einige der Kleber auch hielt meine Augen geschlossen. Ich war blind!

Da fing ich an, Panik, schrie Ich mag ein Baby. Ich konnte nichts sehen, aber ich könnte mir das ganze Theater über mich lachen hören. Ich könnte auch fühle mich durch eine Tür geschoben. Ich ging um blind für eine Weile. Ich hoffte auf ein vertrautes Geräusch zu hören. Ich tat.  Verkehr!

Das Krankenhaus Kosten waren sehr hoch. Der Klebstoff hatte meine Augen ruiniert. Ich würde erfordern zahlreiche Operationen, bevor ich wieder sehen konnte. Ich hatte kein Geld. Ich war gezwungen, zwei Arbeitsplätze zu erhalten; Red Lobster & TGI Fridays. Ich war Hausmeister an beiden.

Wenn jemand weiß, wie die neue Where’s Waldo? Buch endet, lass es mich wissen.

The Megastar Story

By Geoffrey Reed

Megastar Entertainment was a direct-to-video movie company that put out many a fine gem during it’s existence from 1979 to the early 1990’s. Founded by brothers Ben & Kevin Furdmort,  the two ran their extremely unsuccessful business out of a small lot in beautiful downtown Burbank.  Ben Furdmort  went on to run an successful oyster bar called SHCUKS after the collapse of their business in 1992. His brother Kevin’s corpse  was found behind Burbank technical college in 1991; his dead ruled a suicide.

None of Megastar’s films were released on DVD,  and the VHS copies of these films still fetch a high dollar amount on the internet.  The warehouse that housed the masters to these films burned to the ground in 1994.

Here are of few of their films

FREEZE COPPER! (1977)  Don Ameche  plays a cop killing Vietnam vet in this gritty tale of vigilant  justice.  Shot on location in Denver, Colorado.  Look for Peter Falk  as a Hobo Ameche  goes to for “the word on the street”

BRUCE (1977) Peter Scolari play Lenny Bruce in this little seen biopic. Historians took note of the inaccuracies of the film such as portraying Bruce as a wheelchair bound cripple & giving him an extremely heavy British accent.  Shot in black & white.

JUST A LITTLE OFF THE TOP (1978)  Nipsy Russell opens a barbershop in Brooklyn. The catch? His best barber is a robot!   Linda Carter & Mark Hamill co-star.

THE CAT’S IN THE BAG (1980)  Neil  Carter plays a bored housewife who gets mixed up in a jewel heist gone awry.  Stunt man Evil Kenevil plays Carter’s husband,  a corrupt developer who Carter helps kidnap.

POOLIN’ AROUND (1982)  Alan North & Barbara Billingsley play an older couple who inherit a water park!  This generation-gap comedy is scored by guitar great Steve Vai

L’ordinateur veut vous tuer! (1989)  A.K.A “The Computer Wants To Kill You” A.K.A  “The Computer That Kills” A.K.A.  “Killer Computer“  A.K.A.  “Compudeath“  A.K.A. “SYSTEM ERROR!”  A.K.A. “REBOOT ‘89“-This tron-inspired animated/live action films revolves around a scientist who invents the worlds smartest computer. So after it is activated, bodies start turning up!  Re-released many times by Megastar home video, it was their most expensive film. Ed Bagley Jr. & Judith Light star.  Dick Clark has a cameo.

RAP FRAT (1990)  A trio of rappers (KID N’ Play, Malcolm Jamal Warner) turn an uptight university upside down in this musical comedy.  Rappers that cameo include  Kid Freeze, The Whiz Kidz, Boneyard Jones, Killer T, Sweet P, & The Magik Boys.  Garrett Morris plays the dean.

Those are all the films I own on VHS. The other films listed on the (Now defunct) Megastar Movie Video website are as follows;

All Hands Off Deck!

Back On The Job

Bastards Of Jersey

Camp Chaos

The Craptastic World Of Hanna-Barbara

Dead From Birth

Dare Me To?

End Of The Line

End Of The Line II

The Groom Wore Lavender

Hand Bag Of Justice

Hal Linden’s  Learn The Bass Guitar At Home!

Irish Rosie

Johnny Winters: Live From The Apollo!

June Comes To Harlem

Killing In His Name

Let’s Party!

The Monkey & His Uncle

Nuttiest Nurse In The Army

Only The Strongest Soilders

Open For Business

Oral Beatings

Poundin’ The Pavement

Quick Nick Rides Again

Rum Runners!

A Slow Simmer

Watch Me Fly Daddy!

Yams: The Movie

You Can’t See It Coming!

Zip It!

Zachery’s Secret

If anyone has these films, let me know. I would be happy to trade others films with you, or if you like, I also make homemade underwear.

Geoffrey