THE LAST PICTURE HOE

More Movie Night Mix-Ups…..

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that Hollywood is the land of dreams.  I’ve no idea if the old adage  “If you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere” is true or not, as I’ve never ventured out of the Pacific Northwest for more than a few days. I do know that on several occasions to view what Hollywood had to offer,  I have suffered numerous pitfalls & extremely scarring social embarrassments. Here are but a few more memories of my one-way love affair with movies.

1) 1993; Cool Runnings-  1993. The year I left high school…”grunge” music was ruling the airwaves & I was “grunge as f**K”  You could tell this, because I wore a Hot-Topic t-shirt with those exact words printed on it.  Anyways…also released this year was a John Candy comedy about a Jamaican bob-sledding team.  Such a funny & inspiring film!  It was so good, in fact, that I felt my teen-angst momentary lifted as I left the theater.  This feeling was short lived.  Seconds after I left the theater Ryan Carter, my high-school bully pulled up his Camaro in front of me. Loud heavy metal (he hated grunge) blaring, he kicked the door open.  “Hey a-hole” (he didn’t say a-hole but this is a family site)  He and some other dude grabbed me and threw me in the back of the car. I can only assume they had seen Cool Runnings as well, because half an hour later I found myself tied up inside a makeshift bobsled they had constructed out of an old bathtub and some skateboards. As I felt myself barreling down one  of the steepest hills in Seattle I found myself wishing I had never gone to see Cool Runnings. And that I wasn’t headed directly into on coming traffic.  I spent the next 8 months in an amazingly painful back-brace and attending humiliating physical therapy classes taught by a guy who smelled of Funions and wanted me to “find my higher power.”

2) 1993; Jack The Bear- One of the films my physical therapy teacher recommended I watched that summer between bouts of learning to walk & use the bathroom without the assistance of a male nurse again was this Danny DeVito film.   He said it was uplifting and funny.  I guess.  I never got to watch it.  I tried to see  this film downtown, and in order to enter the theater, you had to walk through a metal detector.  The second I walked through,  holding a large popcorn & 32 ounce Mountain Dew ($23.97)  my back brace set off the alarm.  The events get foggy,  as I spent a while unconscious,  but here is what I know. The three security guards had no problem tackling,  assaulting & preforming a move known as the “tiger grab” (again, I won’t go into details as this is a family site) on an obviously handicapped teenager.  I also learned that if you beat said teenager with rubber hoses, bruises won’t show up.  I woke up outside the Lusty Lady covered in a sticky film of what I could only hope was dried Mountain Dew.

3) 2002; Jackass: The Movie- I know what you’re thinking.  And no. I was smart enough not to venture out in to public to see this one. I didn’t even get it at the video store. I waited for  it to come on cable, and then watched it from the safety of my own home. I cracked open a 2-litter bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red, and threw a pepperoni pizza hot pocket in the microwave.  The second I pressed the “cook” button on the microwave a huge, burning shock rocketed through my body.  I felt every nerve on my body tighten up as I was thrown backwards at a speed that truly frightened me.  As I lay convulsing on the cold, tile floor of my kitchen, I looked up at the microwave to see that it was on fire. I thought quickly about what to do. What I did was empty my bowels and pass out.  When  I woke up, I was on my couch. A note from the fire department was on the table next to me. It read, it part:  “We put out the fire. You are a real pu**y, you know that, right?”  They had also taken the liberty of removing my pants, putting make-up on me & posting pictures of  it on the internet.   We have copies of this film at Moviecycle if anyone wants one.

4) 1993; The Skateboard Kid- One of the biggest hits of 1993 this blockbuster was everywhere that year & I was super excited to see it as it was was one of my favorite books.  I wanted to see how Hollywood was going to transform this amazing novel to the silver screen. Two months before the movie was set to hit theaters, I got an e-mail from MoviePromotions.com. I had been selected to attend an advanced screening if I agreed to become a “Platinum Member” of the website. I instantly entered three of my credit  card numbers, their pin numbers, my social security number & drivers license number onto the site. It printed out an address, and I headed out to pick up my ticket.  Four hours later, I was sitting in an empty room, filling out my MoviePromtions contract on a card table in a building downtown. I was just filling out the “favorite movies section” (Kid with the 200 IQ, Once Bitten, K-9 & She’s Out Of Control)  when I heard an amazingly loud noise.  A wrecking ball crashed the side of the building, and the building came tumbling down around me. For almost 24 hours I was trapped beneath the wreckage of a building that had been scheduled for destruction for months.  Weeks later I found that my entire bank account had been drained. The $460 dollars I had earned that summer as a Little Caesars janitor had all been in vain.  In order to pay off the Fire Department rescue bill, I had to spend the next year entertaining at an old folks home in town by singing to the elderly five days a week.  Thanks to that job I still know all the words to the Billy Ocean hit “Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car” I also still know how to help someone into a pair of Depends.  Oh, and I suffered a collapsed lung.

More stories to come.

Those Hollywood Nights;

Movie Outings Gone Horrible Wrong

By Geoffrey Reed

A lot of people talk about their love of movies, how cinema has changed their lives,  how going to the movies transports them to another world, where the can escape the doldrums of their work-a-day worlds.  I, dear readers, am one such person.  Whilst a good movie has oft sent me to a magical world of enchantment, I must also report that many a movie night has sent me on an embarrassing comedy of errors that could make for a rich screenplay itself. The following tales of misadventures are true. My quest for a perfect film going experience, as you will see,  did not always have the “happy ending” so many motion-pictures had promised me.

1) 1990- Turner & Hooch; I am house-sitting for a friend & also watching her Great Dane. I have settled in on the living room couch with the dog at my feet.  The movie I selected for that night was the smash hit Turner & Hooch.  I figured the dog would like it as well. I didn’t know how right I was….as soon as the first image of the dog appeared, Sheldon leaped from the ground, and pressed his paws onto the big screen t.v., knocking it instantly off the shelving rack, and smashing it to the ground. As I scrambled desperately around the living room in my bare feet, shards of broken, jagged glass dug into my flesh.  I got over 200 stitches that summer and the howls of Sheldon haunt me to this day. To pay for the t.v.  I had to get a job at Dairy Queen where my alcoholic boss yelled at me every day, and I got a third degree burn on my elbow.

2) 1982  Zapped! I saw this ad on t.v.  It promised a lot of T&A.   I buy a ticket to some G-Rated film, and when the attendant’s back is turned, I sneak into the theater. During the previews, I feel the need to use the bathroom.  I walk through what I think is the bathroom door, and realize it is a stairwell. I hear the door lock behind me. I check the door at the bottom of the stairs….locked as well.  I sit down at the bottom of the stairs and start crying.  High pitch sobbing noises began as snot runs down my face and tears pour out of my eyes at an amazingly pathetic pace.  After a few minutes I wet my pants. The stairwell fills with the stench of urine & childish, wimpy fear.   The second my bladder is empty the song “Jukebox Hero“  starts blaring within the walls of the stairwell.  I have no idea how this happened.  After about four hours, an attendant discovered me and took me home.  I was banned from the theater & my mom wouldn’t let me watch Moonlighting that night.

3) 1988 Moon Over Parador;   When it comes to who a young boy wants be when he grows up, I, like literally millions of other young boys of the 80’s, wanted to grow up to be Richard Dreyfuss.  After watching this romantic comedy, I  took my normal obsession to the next level.  I loved Dreyfuss’s mustache so much. Too much. One evening, I snuck into my dad’s bathroom, and pulled a bunch of his hairs out from his favorite brush.  I rolled them into a makeshift mustache, and proceeded to affix it to my upper lip.  With superglue. It’s hard to describe the feeling of a chemical compound burning a child’s face and inner mouth, (I used a whole tube!) but needless to say it was a night to remember. In the emergency room.  I can grow no hair on that region of my face to this day.

4) 1990 Robo Jox; This was my first year of high school. Like many of my fellow students, I began experimenting with alcohol.  This Sci-Fi flick seemed like the perfect movie to get drunk and laugh at.  As we got out of the car at the theater, I  shoved a bottle of red wine I had stolen from my grandma’s house down the front of my pants & pulled my T & C surf design shirt over the front.  The perfect crime…or so I thought.  As we entered the theater I hear my friend  Stanley shout  “Hey dude! Check out this baseball I caught at the Mariners game!”  A millisecond later,  he chucks a fastball at me! Before I could even lift my hands to try and catch the ball, It makes contact with the bottle I have smuggled down my pants. It instantly shatters and I feel a millions pieces of broken bottle scatter in my trousers & red wine flowing freely down my pant legs.  Another theater banning & another trip to the hospital.

5) 1996 Mr. Wrong;  Let’s face it…in the mid 90’s, aside from maybe Pamela Anderson, no woman was meeting the ideals of  “every man’s dream” more than the amazingly sexy and beautiful Ellen DeGeneres.  Yes…I had her poster on my dorm room wall in college.  When I went to see the crazy, over-the-top smash comedy, I must admit I thought I would be in for some real laughs & some great eye-candy to boot.  I didn’t know how wrong I was.   I rode my bike to the theater on a rainy night in November.  I remember that I stopped at Arby’s and ate  four beef & cheddar sandwiches.  I pulled up in from of the theater and chained my Huffy to the bike rack.  As I was headed to the box office I hear a guy say  “Yo!  Your bike chain just scratched my bike”  I turn around to reply, and almost instantly a huge dude pummels his meaty paw into my stomach.  His punch is so powerful I swear I feel it touch my spine.  I do the only thing I can…vomit onto the ground.  Some of it gets on this guys shoes.  “My Nikes!” He shouts.  To make this long story short, I get thrown in a dumpster, which he jams shut with a piece of rusty pipe.  When I managed to get out in the morning, my bike is scattered in piece around the parking lot. I walk the five miles home, crying the entire way.  I tore down my poster when I got back to my room.

I will try and post more of how movies have changed my life in the weeks to come.

…And the time has come for Gary to pick his 5 guilty pleasure movies. This was super hard, because… Well just read the post.