Yes kiddies…it’s almost that time of year again…All Hallows Eve!! Such Memories! The Costumes, The Ghouls and Goblins, The Costumes, and me getting subjected to year after year of horrible social embarrassments, butt-kicking, and social scarring events that haunt me to this day! Here are but a few more of my movie memories in a column I will call;
Halloween: My Stories
By Geoffrey Reed
JAWS (1975) Steven Speilberg’s quintessential masterpiece about a great white shark wrecking havoc seaside. Roy Scheider leads an all-star cast in this classic horror film that made film-fans afraid of the beach for decades to come. I first saw this film at an outdoor beach party at the tender age of 15. I had moved to Seattle shortly after my mom told me “that guy wasn’t really your dad” I was in a new town trying to make friends, and crashed this beach-kegger as “the new kid in school” I helped myself to a cup of beer, and watched the film being projected on a huge white sheet, ready to have the time of my life. My hopes for making new friends was cut short when I heard someone yell “Hey dillweed! Surf’s Up!” Ten mintues later I was strapped naked to a surfboard about half a mile from the shoreline. The icy cold Puget Sound waves crashing around me. I could hear the echos of laughter from the shore, signaling the good times being had without me. The paramedic who gave me mouth to mouth said I swallowed more water than anyone in his history on the job. He also said when they pulled my lifeless, naked body out of the water they thought I was a girl. According to the comments left in response to the photos they posted of me on line, many agreed.
The Craft (1996) Neve Campbell stars in this Horror film about a trio of high school witches who wreck havoc on their classmates (and ultimately themselves) in this supernatural thriller. This film was released at a time when I was myself dabbling in the occult myself! I had just tried out for, and gotten rejected by the Grunge band Swampwater (They said the didn’t need someone playing the recorder in the band!) And was feeling pretty low. I decided to become goth. At first it was really fun wearing black clothing and mascara…(if by “fun” you mean getting tied to the flagpole outside of school with the word “fruitcup” scrawled across your forehead in permanent marker) Anyways, I befriended a goth girl named Cora-Beth. She said she was a witch, and that if I joined her coven, we could get revenge on everyone. I went over to her house, where she was boiling a witches brew in her parents kitchen. She handed me a test tube of a clear liquid and asked me to pour it into the pot. I did so. Instantly a horrid mix of liquid bleach and boiling fat exploded in my face. I screamed in agony and stumbled around the kitchen, reaching out for some support, which came in the form of the red-hot burners of the stove. Cora-Beth visited me in the hospital once, then started dating a guy who would go on to pants me on a twice-daily basis for the rest of my high-school career. I learned some valuable lessons that summer. Like how to sort-of see again, and live a life without discernible fingerprints.
SAW (1994) This gory film (and later successful film franchise) revolves around the Jigsaw killer, and his victims. He captures various people, and forces them to fight for their lives by making them choose between facings various near-deadly, body mutilating “boobie traps”. Needless to say there is gory galore in this genre favorite, and needless to say some of those copycat jokers at my school took it to the next level… I was at the mall, licking on a delicious corn-dog with dallops of mayonnaise spread on it and looking at a picture of Marilyn Manson that was on display in the front wind of a hot topic. Suddenly, I felt a burlap sack behind pulled over my head. I tried to scream, but was restrained and thrown into the back of a van. Amazingly loud hard-core punk music played in the background (I think it was third-eye blind) I blacked out almost instantly. I woke up in a urine-soaked basement, wearing a prom dress and died to a wall. On a small t.v. monitor, a man in a top-hat demanded i follow his instructions if I wanted to “see the light of day” Well…i did what was asked of me. I cannot say what i did on this site, but it included the following; ping-pong balls, a can of pledge, a vacuum cleaner, my corn-dog from the mall, rubber tubing, a great Dane, a zip-lock bag of peanut butter, a feather duster…but I digress. All in all it was a very trying evening that ended with me “seeing the light of day” I am glad that I made it out alive, and that I get a discount at the proctologist.
Anyways…all of these titles are available here at Moviecycle! And thru Oct. 31 they are all 20% off!!
I’ve been meaning to weigh in with my Guilty Pleasures post, but I’ve been kinda wrapped up with behind-the-scenes blog stuff this week. I do hope you’re all enjoying the addition of a searchable inventory. Now that we have that feature working, it’s time for me to play.
Like Geoff, I doubt that I might feel “guilty” over these choices, but I do recognize that they may not be movies many people would admit to liking. My tastes are my own, and I’m okay with that. My primary expectation from any movie is that I’ll be entertained and I have to admit I’m easily amused. But hey, enough of my yakkin’. Whaddaya say? Let’s boogie!
Although I’m not even certain I believe in the term “Guilty Pleasures” as I have no shame when it comes to my tastes and what people think of them…I do indeed have a movie that I love that everyone else hates. Really hate. I’m talking of one Freddy Got Fingered. You heard me right. My best friend and I saw this box-office bomb in the theater when it came out, and both fell in love with it.
Written, directed, and starring one Tom Green, this film is a complete exercise in bad taste, gore, and over-the-top shock humor. The story, as it were, follows Gourd, (Green) as cartoonist who sets off to La-La land to make all his dreams come true. He winds up working in a cheese sandwich factory. Along the way, we the viewer are treated to scene after scene of Tom Green being Tom Green. If you’ve seen his previous work, you’ll know if this movie is for you, if you have not, don’t rent this. A few highlights? Uh…Tom getting very friendly with a variety of animals, including a bull elephant? A wheelchair bound girlfriend heavily into S&M? Tom “helping” a woman give birth? Tom accusing his father of child abuse? A young boy getting constantly, and pointlessly injured?
Yup. It’s all here.
I think what I like the most about this film is how Tom goes all out to make a movie that he wanted to make. Every frame is filled with crazy, dark, perverse craziness. You will most likely hate this….but you may be one of the few who love it.
Oh! and you get to see Rip Torn’s naked ass. ‘Nuff Said.