Halloween: My Stories

By Geoffrey Reed

JAWS (1975) Steven Speilberg’s quintessential masterpiece about a great white shark wrecking havoc seaside.  Roy Scheider leads an all-star cast in this classic horror film that made film-fans afraid of the beach for decades to come.  I first saw this film at an outdoor beach party at the tender age of 15.  I had moved to Seattle shortly after my mom told me  “that guy wasn’t really your dad”  I was in a new town trying to make friends, and crashed this beach-kegger as “the new kid in school”   I helped myself to a cup of beer, and watched the film being projected on a huge white sheet, ready to have the time of my life.  My hopes for making new friends was cut short when I heard someone yell  “Hey dillweed! Surf’s Up!”  Ten mintues later I was strapped naked to a surfboard about half a mile from the shoreline.  The icy cold Puget Sound waves crashing around me.  I could hear the echos of laughter from the shore, signaling the good times being had without me.  The paramedic who gave me mouth to mouth said I swallowed more water than anyone in his history on the job.  He also said when they pulled my lifeless, naked  body out of the water they thought I was a girl. According to the comments left in response to the photos they posted of me on line, many agreed.

The Craft (1996) Neve Campbell stars in this Horror film about a trio of high school witches who wreck havoc on their classmates (and ultimately themselves) in this supernatural thriller.  This film was released at a time when I was myself dabbling in the occult myself! I had just tried out for, and gotten rejected by the Grunge band Swampwater (They said the didn’t need someone playing the recorder in the band!)  And was feeling pretty low.  I decided to become goth.  At first it was really fun wearing black clothing and mascara…(if by “fun” you mean getting tied to the flagpole outside of school with the word “fruitcup” scrawled across your forehead in permanent marker)  Anyways,  I befriended a goth girl named Cora-Beth.  She said she was a witch, and that if I joined her coven, we could get revenge on everyone.  I went over to her house, where she was boiling a witches brew in her parents kitchen.  She handed me a test tube of a clear liquid and asked me to pour it into the pot. I did so.  Instantly a horrid mix of  liquid bleach and boiling fat exploded in my face.  I screamed in agony and stumbled around the kitchen, reaching out for some support, which came in the form of the red-hot burners of the stove.  Cora-Beth visited me in the hospital once, then started dating a guy who would go on to pants me on a twice-daily basis for the rest of my high-school career.  I learned some valuable lessons that summer. Like how to sort-of see again, and live a life without discernible  fingerprints.

SAW (1994) This gory film (and later successful film franchise) revolves around the Jigsaw killer, and his victims.  He captures various people, and forces them to fight for their lives by making them choose between facings various near-deadly, body mutilating “boobie traps”.  Needless to say there is gory galore in this genre favorite, and needless to say some of those copycat jokers at my school took it to the next level… I was at the mall, licking on a delicious corn-dog with dallops of mayonnaise spread on it and looking at a picture of Marilyn Manson that was on display in the front wind of a hot topic.  Suddenly, I felt a burlap sack behind pulled over my head. I tried to scream, but was restrained and thrown into the back of a van.  Amazingly loud hard-core punk music played in the background (I think it was third-eye blind)  I blacked out almost instantly.  I woke up in a urine-soaked basement, wearing a prom dress and died to a wall.  On a small t.v. monitor, a man in a top-hat demanded i follow his instructions if I wanted to “see the light of day”  Well…i did what was asked of me. I cannot say what i did on this site, but it included the following; ping-pong balls, a can of pledge,  a vacuum cleaner, my corn-dog from the mall, rubber tubing, a great Dane,  a zip-lock bag of peanut butter, a feather duster…but I digress.  All in all it was a very trying evening that ended with me “seeing the light of day”  I am glad that I made it out alive, and that I get a discount at the proctologist.

Anyways…all of these titles are available here at Moviecycle!  And thru Oct. 31 they are all 20% off!!

Like Geoff, I doubt that I might feel “guilty” over these choices, but I do recognize that they may not be movies many people would admit to liking. My tastes are my own, and I’m okay with that. My primary expectation from any movie is that I’ll be entertained and I have to admit I’m easily amused. But hey, enough of my yakkin’. Whaddaya say? Let’s boogie!

1. Spice World. In the mid-90s I wouldn’t have given the Spice Girls a passing glance, let alone let that movie come into my house (I actually tried–and failed–to forbid my then-wife from bringing home, but I wouldn’t watch it).  Just a few short years later, while working in one of our rental stores, one of my coworkers picked it out to play in the store. It was her turn and I declined to overrule her choice. Quite by surprise I discovered that the songs were catchy, danceable pop numbers, the girls were actually pretty engaging, the humor self-deprecating, and the cast contained at least two actors I really enjoy: Alan Cumming as a filmmaker doing a documentary about the Spice Girls and Richard E. Grant as their increasingly agitated manager, not to mention Meatloaf (with a hilarious self-referential piece of dialog) as their driver, George Wendt and Mark McKinney (Kids In The Hall) as a hack movie producer/writer team who are apparently pitching the movie we are watching, Richard O’Brien (Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show), Roger Moore (spoofing the Bond villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld) and a host of cameos from the likes of Elvis Costello, Elton John, Jools Holland, Bob Geldof, Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, Bob Hoskins and Jennifer Saunders.  The story, such as it is, follows the Girls through a series of comical mishaps in the days leading up to their big performance at the Royal Albert Hall. At its heart, it’s really just A Hard Day’s Night but with a different hugely popular British band (sorry about that, Beatles fans).

2. Joise And The Pussycats. Is there a trend here? Maybe. I like movies with lots of music and I like girls. Movies about girl bands pretty much seems like a given. This one (also one of my rental store favorites) gets kind of a bum rap, either because people remember the cartoon, or because people see that Tara Reid is in it. Or maybe it’s something else. In any event, I really think this one deserves a better reputation. One of the things I hear a lot when people complain about Josie… is “there’s product placement all over the place. It’s like overkill!” My response tot he that is “Well, yeah. Were you not paying attention?”  The entire premise of the movie is that the record company has a secret plot (in league with the government no less) to control the minds of our youth with subliminal advertising in the music. Like that could moviecycle.com really happen, right? I find it interesting that the complaint is so often about how much product placement there is in the movie, when people seemingly miss the commentary on our consumerist society. But enough of that. Not only are the songs real, actual songs written and performed by real, actual musicians: Kay Hanley of Letters To Cleo is the voice of Josie, with songwriters including Jane Weidlin (The Go-Gos), Adam Duritz (Counting Crows), Adam Schlesinger (Fountains Of Wayne), Babyface (who also produced the songs) and Matthew Sweet. The soundtrack actually sold more than half a million copies, so there. And if that’s not enough, there’s Parker Posey and Alan Cumming (again). See it. You really want to see it.

3. Hudson Hawk. This is actually one of my all time favorite movies, and I’m bummed that it wasn’t on my tropical island list. Good thing I’m smuggling in a whole bunch of extra stuff. I’ve never understood what people don’t like about Hudson Hawk. What’s not to like? Bruce Willis, Danny Aiello, Richard E. Grant (there’s a pattern here with the actors I like…), Sandra Bernhard, James freakin’ Coburn! and David Caruso in a completely non-speaking role (he uses cards to “speak” and he always seems to have just the right one at hand). Hawk (Willis), fresh out of prison, is a master cat-burglar. Tommy (Aiello), his best pal, convinces him to pull off “just one more job” for some very powerful people. Of course it’s not that simple. The plot thickens with rich wackjobs who want to be richer, the CIA and the Vatican all getting into the act. Heists, cartoonish characters and situations (and sound effects!), action, song-and-dance… what more could you want?

4. Gigli. Yep. I went there. I never really understood why this one got such a bad reception. Yeah, some of the performances are weak, but come on: Christopher Walken. Justin Bartha (who really, for me, just made this movie completely awesome).  Actually, I can’t think of anyone else that made this stand out.  I agree that Ben and J-Lo could have been better, but there is a lot of (admittedly weird) chemistry on screen there. Mainly I think the huge critical and public backlash against this movie has less to do with how “bad” it is and far more to do with how the Bennifer saga was completely overblown. I personally don’t pay a lot of attention to the gossip rags, so I really couldn’t have cared less if they were or weren’t a couple. Gigli did the thing I wanted it to do: it entertained me.

5. Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. I chose both of these (I’d choose the third one, too, if someone would hurry up and make one) because I couldn’t pick between them. Over-over-the-top action abounds as ridiculous situations exist for no other reason than to set up the next fight, explosion or chase. All featuring the beautiful, talented and funny Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore and, well, I can tolerate Cameron Diaz in these movies (not a big fan, generally), plus Bill Murray (in the first) and, inexplicably, Bernie Mac (in the second) as Bosley–not the same character, and yes they do explain the relationship, but it’s a pretty clear indication of the tongue-in-cheekness of these movies. Other notable actors include Crispin Glover, Sam Rockwell, Tim Curry, Kelly Lynch, LL Cool J, Tom Green, Shia LaBeouf, Robert Patrick, Demi Moore, Luke Wilson Matt LeBlanc, John Cleese and, of course, John Forsythe as Charlie. Not to mention kick-ass soundtracks featuring a crazy mix of  Mötley Crüe, Wham!, The Flying Lizards, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Apollo 440, Deee-Lite, The Prodigy, Aerosmith, Heart, Spandau Ballet, Pink, Nickelback, The Breeders, The Chemical Brothers and a whoooole lot more.

That’s gonna just about wrap it up then. I’m sure that I’ve startled some of you, but rest assured that I really do like “good” movies, too.

Written, directed, and starring one Tom Green, this film is a complete exercise in bad taste, gore, and over-the-top shock humor.  The story, as it were, follows Gourd, (Green) as cartoonist who sets off to La-La land to make all his dreams come true. He winds up working in a cheese sandwich factory.  Along the way, we the viewer are treated to scene after scene of Tom Green being Tom Green. If you’ve seen his previous work, you’ll know if this movie is for you, if you have not, don’t rent this.  A few highlights?  Uh…Tom getting very friendly with a variety of animals, including a bull elephant?  A wheelchair bound girlfriend heavily into S&M?  Tom “helping” a woman give birth? Tom accusing his father of child abuse?  A young boy getting constantly, and pointlessly injured?

Yup. It’s all here.

I think what I like the most about this film is how Tom goes all out to make a movie that he wanted to make. Every frame is filled with crazy, dark, perverse craziness. You will most likely hate this….but you may be one of the few who love it.

Oh! and you get to see Rip Torn’s naked ass. ‘Nuff Said.

It took me awhile to figure out my guilty pleasures. Taking film classes, I was always conscious of what movies I said I enjoyed, because of course your taste in film would be judged mercilessly by those who only watch obscure foreign films or golden age classics. It can be a tough crowd.

So how could I admit that I found joy in sports movies? Those awesomely formulaic flicks that have underdog teams who win the big game last minute (usually in slow motion) while being led by a hard nosed coach or reluctant team captain, whose words of wisdom in the locker room bring tears to your eyes while simultaneously making you a little nauseous.

In addition there is almost always a sidelining love story that sends a girl (or boy) running down to the field/court to sweep the winner off their feet amongst a crowd of cheering fans. Total brain candy.

Here are five cheesy sports pics that make me smile:

Bring It On (2000) - Cheerleaders Kirsten Dunst, Eliza Dushku and Gabrielle Union compete to be champions. This film spawned too many remakes of snotty girls in short skirts, challenging each other to “bring it!”

The Replacements (2000) – Keanu Reeves leads a football team of misfits (because they are always misfits) to win big games during a pro football strike. There are fights, strippers, bad music. It’s great.

A League of Their Own (1992) – Geena Davis and Lori Petty play sisters who join the first professional women’s baseball league. It has Madonna, a constantly drunk Tom Hanks, and plenty of heart tugging girly moments.

Gridiron Gang (2006) – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson leads a team of juvenile criminals. They start a football team to build self-esteem. Moments are had. The jailbird boys learn heart wrenching lessons. Yup. I have seen it more than once. I will stand up and admit it!

The Mighty Ducks (1992) – Emilio Estevez is forced into community service and is given the joke team of pee-wee hockey. They learn sweet skating skills, how to flock together, and there are numerous jokes about getting hit with pucks. I love this movie!